Time to Say Goodbye

So, the time has finally come. I'm leaving Japan on Sunday, which is less than four days away as I write this.

I don't really want to leave, but since I have to, I wish I could leave right now. I've just been waiting alone for the departure day to come. I couldn't pack earlier because I still need to use a lot of the stuff I'd pack. And I don't even have the internet to distract me. (I'm posting this later on the school computers.) Over the past three days, I've rewatched an entire season of The Office that I have on my iTunes.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend again.

We spent my freshman year of college together at my university, and then he had to go back to Japan. My sophomore year was horrible. I missed him, and I was frustrated because I didn't know toward what educational or career goals to work, and I inadvertantly started to push away my friends because I was so angry and depressed all the time. I don't want to go back to that year again. I'm scared that when I go back to school next month, sophomore year will happen all over again. I've grown up so incredibly much over this past year in Japan, and now I know what I want to do after I graduate, so I'm hoping I'll be able to make my last year of college great or at least better than sophomore year. But I know it's easy for me to fall into old habits, especially since I'll be at home somewhat.

This year was hard, and, overall, I didn't enjoy it. But I'm glad I did this one-year program, and I don't regret it at all. Like I said, I think I've grown so much as a person. When I look back at myself after I first arrived in Japan, I can't believe how different I am now, in a good way. I think (I hope) I know how to deal with problems better. I can do much more by myself and don't rely on other people to help me as much.

What am I going to miss most about Japan? Subways, trains, and convenience stores. I love the subway and train system here. If I want to go somewhere, I just take a train and I'm there. It's so convenient! My school in the US is in a very small town far away from the city, and I don't have a car at school, so it's impossible to go anywhere or do anything without relying on the buses, which are infrequent and only go a few places. I would be so set if we had a train and subway system!
As for convenience stores, they're stocked with so many good drinks and snacks and cheap meals. I love the food and drinks in Japanese convenience stores! And they're EVERYwhere.

I need to get back to work (packing, cleaning, and the like).

Cold Feet?

Whether it’s because I’ll be going home soon or because I've truly become comfortable, I feel like now I can survive in Japan on my own. I don’t need my electronic dictionary or other people to help me. I can figure things out on my own; I can speak in Japanese, ask question, and understand the answers I’m given.

Now I don’t want to leave. Well, I want to go back to the U.S., but only as a vacation. I want to see my cats, my grandparents, and my friends and eat all the delicious and cheap food I have been able to eat this past year in Japan. Then I want to come back to Japan.

I’m scared of returning to the U.S. because what if I don’t fit in my old environment anymore? What happens if my friends and I don’t get along as well or if I become uninterested in the things I was doing before I came to Japan?

I'll find out soon enough because I'm going back to the US in about three weeks.

Contest Entry

For the Ruby Oliver books contest:

First kiss, age 18. Happened with first boyfriend after dating for 2 months. Pocahontas soundtrack was playing on my laptop. #RubyOliverBooks

Enter with your awkward or embarrassing, err, "romantic" encounter! :)

経験の報告書／Study Report

国へ帰る前に一年間の日本にいる経験について短い報告書を書かなくちゃいけませんでした。日本語でも英語でも書いていて、よかったら、見てください。

Before I leave Japan, I've had to write a short report about my experience in Japan the past year. I've written it in both Japanese and English. Take a look if you'd like.

日本にいる一年間、私は大体嬉しくなくて緊張していました。日本人とも他の留学生とも、誰ともといい友達になっていませんでした。どこへ行っても、日本人が私をじろじろ見るので、自分が部外者のように感じられて、どこかおかしいという気分にさ せられました。授業の大半は面白くなくて、専門と関連がありませんでした。日本にいる間、何度も人生の一年間を無駄していると思いました。

しかし、一年間日本にいたことを後悔していません。私はもっといい人になれたし、以前とは別人です。一人でアパートに住んだことがあったので、どうやって自活するか、どうやって難しいときを扱うか学びました。また、私のアメリカにいる友達をもっと尊敬します。

自分の成長に加えて二つの目標を達成しました。まず、日本語の能力を高めたかったで、そうできたと思います。まだ日本語の全部をはっきり分かりませんから、日本語の能力が増えることに気づきませんでした。しかし、今、日本に来る前に勉強した内容を見ると、あの頃の日本語がとても簡単に見えて、自分の能力が上がったことに気づかされます。

二つの目標は直接日本を経験することでした。多くの人は本やテレビ、映画などで外国について習います。そして、私は日本について教科書の内容以上のことを習いたかったで、それを達成することができたと思います。しかし、外国を分かるために一年はすごく短い期間です。それで、まだ理解していないことがたくさんあると思います。また、アメリカ人の観点で日本を見ていると分かって、実は日本について自分の目で見て学んだことは真実ではな いかもしれません。もっともっと学びたいので、また日本で生活する機会があるといいと思います。

I was generally unhappy and stressed out during my one-year stay in Japan. I didn’t become good friends with anyone, whether they were Japanese or another international student. Japanese strangers stared at me wherever I went, which made me feel like an outsider and made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Most of my classes were uninteresting and weren’t related to my major. A lot of times, I felt like I was wasting a year of my life by staying in Japan.

However, I don’t regret studying in Japan for a year. I’m a much more different and better person than I was before I came here. Now I’ve had the experience of living by myself and relying on myself. I have learned how to deal with unhappy times, and now I appreciate my friends back in the US even more.

In addition to personal growth, I was able to accomplish the two main goals I had when I came to Japan. First, I wanted to strengthen my Japanese language ability, which I have done. I couldn’t feel like my Japanese ability was getting better because there is still so much I don’t understand. However, when I look at the things I was studying before I came to Japan, they seem so easy, and I can realize how much my language skill has grown.

The second goal I had was to experience Japan firsthand. Many people learn about foreign countries only through books, TV, or movies. I wanted to learn more about Japan than the things written in the textbooks I had read, and I feel like I have been able to do that. However, one year is a very short time to study a culture, and I know there are still so many things I haven’t learned about Japan. I also realize that I’m seeing Japan through the eyes of an American with my own biases and that what I think I’ve learned about Japan may actually be untrue. I hope I have the opportunity to live in Japan again so I can keep learning about this country.

I know I'll miss Japan, and I already can't wait to come back, but without a doubt, I need a break from Japan. I leave in exactly one month from tomorrow.

Today is mine and my boyfriend's 2½-year anniversary. :)

皆さん、久しぶりですね。

ちょっと忙しいし、怠けたし、このブログを無視しちゃいました。

So what have I been up to? Last I wrote, I was on a two-month school break. In my second to last post, I listed a selection of books I wanted to study from during the break. To my surprise, I finished almost all of them. I was planning to write a small review of each of the books, but since I don't think anyone would care, I'll leave it at this: they're all good books (especially 外国人のためのケータイメール＠にっぽん) except for one: にほんごチャレンジ３級[ことばと漢字]. The book isn't as good as it could be. It has a few mistakes that should've been caught before it was published, and the definitions of words could've been better, perhaps more detailed, since the entire book focuses on vocabulary.

Other than that... what did I do? I can't remember much. It feels like so long ago. I went to Hokkaido, which I might've already written about. I went to the YouTube Hanami party in Tokyo, which was very tiring to get to and from but very, very fun. My boyfriend and I did a few things around the city before he moved away for his new job. Now I don't see him very often, and when I do, it's hard on the wallet.

I spent most of Golden Week, which was a few weeks ago, with my boyfriend at his parents house. That was fun. It was nice to be able to spend so much time with my boyfriend and not have to worry about cooking food or doing dishes or cleaning. Plus, it's nice to spend time with Shinichi's parents now that I'm able to use and understand Japanese better. I've improved my Japanese and they've started to speak more clearly (meaning they tone down their dialect), and with those two things, we can communicate. :)

I'm about two months into my last semester in Japan. I'm starting to put on the breaks and getting ready mentally to go back home. Some days I'm excited to go back home, other days I don't want it to happen. As hard as this year has been, next year will be hard too. Reverse culture shock, being away from my boyfriend again for at least nine months, an overly-busy class schedule, figuring out what I'll do after I graduate. Graduate school applications are due in November and December -- AHHH!! I'm stressing myself out -- I should stop.

Anyway, I'm about two months into the semester, and my Japanese language class is about two weeks from being halfway over. We'll be starting a new textbook then. Two textbooks in one semester -- it's hard for me to believe. We go so quickly that I know I'm not remembering everything I should. When I first got to Japan and started Japanese classes, we went through all of Genki II in half a semester. My home university took a year to go through it. But there are still some things in Genki II I don't remember, mainly vocabulary. I'm using smart.fm to help get my vocabulary (and kanji) to where they should be.

But this is all very boring. I'm not sure why I'm writing a blog entry now and about these things.

I've realized my study abroad experience has become exactly the same as my senior year of high school. I transferred to a new school that year, going from a tiny private school to a HUGE public school. I knew nothing about how the school ran. Apparently I had my own email address through the school. No one ever told me. I read the handbook cover to cover a few times, and I knew everything it said, but there was still so many things about the school that everyone else knew.

Also, I knew no one. I had always lived in the city where the public school was, but I had gone to another school thirty minutes away from where I lived. Anyone I knew lived over there. My new school was full of rich and stupid Valley Girl snobs, the kind of people I hate.

On the first day of school, I did make a friend: a loner named Chris who liked anime and other nerdy things. For a while I hung out with him and his friends, but even though they were nice and I liked them, I didn't fit with them, and I started spending less time with them.

After that, I spent all of my time alone. I didn't talk to my classmates, and they didn't talk to me. After school, I would look back over the day and count how many times I talked. Usually it was only a couple a words, at the most a few sentences. I usually only talked to answer the teacher.

I got into the habit of spending my lunch break one of two ways. Sometimes I would sit in my car and listen to the radio while I ate my lunch. Even though it didn't take me long to eat, I would stay there in the car until it was time for class. I usually put the blinds up, both because it's always hot and sunny in California, but also because it made me feel closed-off and safe. I know, I must be a mental case. Anyway, when I didn't do that, I would spend my lunch break in the library doing homework, and then I would eat my lunch (which was usually only a sandwich) later on the drive home.

Anyway, I told you all of that because it's all happening again. I know next to nothing about how the school runs, basically because of the language barrier. I do talk with my classmates a lot more than I did with my high school classmates, but it's still not much. If I have to stay on campus for lunch, I eat a bento quickly where there aren't a lot of people around, and then I hide out in the computer lab until it's time for class. As soon as classes are over, I go home. I don't go to parties or other outings, mainly because I'm not invited but also because I usually don't want to go. I'm alone except for when I spend time with my boyfriend.

It's pretty sad, and it depresses me to know that, even though I'm older now, I'm still reacting to a situation the same way I did three years ago. But I'm okay with all of this. If I really wanted to change the situation, I probably could. The truth is, I don't mind being by myself. It's so much work to hang out with other people, and it usually doesn't feel worth it to me, especially if I don't fit well with the other people.

Well, that's a look into my mind and my experience, I guess. I'm not sure how to wrap up this post, so let's just end it.

Back with Determination

I've been so unhappy and frustrated lately that I was an email draft away from initiating plans to leave Japan and go back home five months early. Today I watched a YouTube vlog I made nearly a year ago after I had just found out I'd been accepted by a Japanese university to spend a year in Japan. I was so happy and excited, and I don't want to let that girl be disappointed.

Writing Therapy

Edit: This was at the pinnacle of my anxiety after it had been building up for a week. Since the time I wrote this entry, I slowly got better, and I'm fine now. :P

Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.

I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.

I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.

Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.

I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.

This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.

Writing out my worries has made me feel better.

Spring Break Plans: Japanese Review

So, my first semester in Japan has ended, and I now face a two-month vacation. Fearing that I will spend the next two months how I usually spend my weekends (alone in my apartment doing nothing), I have set a few goals for the vacation time. One of the biggest goals is to finish the following books.

1. Genki II and A Course in Modern Japanese: Volume Two
I've read both of these already (one was my textbook part of this semester), but I want to make sure I learn everything I can from them. There are still a lot of grammar points and kanji I learned once but don't remember now.
Both textbooks teach basically the same things, but since each book explains things differently, it has been helpful to use both of them. This is something I recommend to other learners: learn from more than one creditable source. The more ways you have things explained to you, the better you'll comprehend them and be able to use them.

2. パターン別日本語能力試験３級徹底ドリル３級
This is an all-around prep book for JLPT 3, but I mainly got it because it has a listening section, and I desperately need to improve my listening (and speaking, but that I can't do with a book...).

3. にほんごチャレンジ３級[ことばと漢字]
This is also a book to help study for the JLPT level 3, but the one before looked more like a testing tool, and this one looked more like a teaching tool. I got this one to increase my vocabulary and kanji.

4. 外国人のためのケータイメール＠にっぽん
I found out about this book from the JapanNewbie interview with @sandkatt. It's really, really helpful with colloquial Japanese, and it's written in easy foreigner Japanese, so even I can read it. I think it's a gem. I'm halfway done with it and want to finish it over the break.

5. Catchy Japanese Phrases
A small book of everyday phrases I should probably already know. I just realized it's published by the same company that published Genki. That has no significance, but I wanted more text to take up space with. :)


And the reading begins... now! :)

Japanese is Just a Language

This week when I was with my tutor, there was a few moments where I stopped and thought, "Did he just speak in Japanese or English?" I couldn't tell because I just understood him. I didn't have to think about it.

I had two more experience of being able to talk to a store clerk swiftly and easily. Those experiences always make my day.

Learning Japanese has been such a different experience than when I was studying Spanish and German that I think I forgot Japanese is just a foreign language. It's just another foreign language. I've studied foreign languages before. I shouldn't make Japanese a bigger deal than it is. Most of the time I'm too scared to speak in Japanese because I know my pronunciation will be bad, but I have to remember the times I spoke Spanish and German without worrying so much about pronunciation. Pronunciation is important, but I shouldn't worry about it enough to keep myself from ever speaking.

I think Japanese language students have it tougher than other language students. It's like there's an elite club of ペラペラ learners that are always judging the beginners. There's pressure to not be ridiculed. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's true in some sense because Japan community on YouTube, as far as I know, is the only one of its kind. There may be a community of German or Spanish speakers and learners, but it wouldn't be anywhere as big and influential as the Japan community. I don't think I can explain it any better for the time being. I should think about it more.

Both Extremes in One Day

I wrote the following during class today:

I'm fed up with my Japanese class. Why am I always the stupid one? No matter how hard I work, I can't do well. I've picked myself up so many times, saying, "Don't give up! Keep working hard! Fight, fight!" but when is it going to pay off? When am I going to improve? I'm tired of failing.

We have to give speeches in my class a lot, and none of mine have gone as well as they should. I hate standing up there, stumbling to answer questions about my speech topic, and then seeing the professor writing comments on the grading sheet. I imagine all the bad points she must write. The professors never show us our grades or any feedback of our speeches, so I don't know what to expect. I torture myself over how bad my grade must be now.

I gave a presentation today explaining a graph. After my speech, the professor asked me questions about my graph and seemed genuinely confused... even though I had just explained it in Japanese in my speech. Two professors looked at the speech over the course of two days before I gave it, and she was even one of the two! She helped me explain the graph!

I won't stop working hard, but my mood is getting worse every time I fail. My spirit breaks a little more. I look forward to the end of the semester. I'll have a two-month break where I'm going to review the hell out of all of our class material so far.

Later that day, I happened to go to a bookstore. I've been looking for the Japanese translation of a Harry Potter book, but the past three bookstores I checked didn't have it. I looked in this bookestore and found nothing. Then I decided I'd finally ask a store clerk for help. I did, and she took me to a hardcover set of all seven books and showed me the book I asked for. She said something like, "But this is a set -- you want an individual book, right?" and I said yes. So, I followed her to another aisle, she opened up a drawer underneath (no wonder I couldn't find it! half of Japanese bookstores' inventory must be in the drawers!) and started looking for it. I saw it immediately and said, without thinking, 「あっ、それですね。」 ("Oh! That's it, isn't it?") And that was that. She showed me the book, asked if it was okay, I said yes, and then I bought it at the counter.

My point in telling you this completely riveting tale is that I was so thrilled after the experience. I used Japanese swiftly, clearly, and correctly, and it was almost completely natural. I didn't have to think very much about what I wanted to say -- it just came out. So, for a while today, I didn't care how I was doing in my class or if I was behind in knowing what my peers do. I accomplished something, and it was one of the first times I've had that experience. Plus, I now have a totally awesome copy of my favorite Harry Potter book to slowly devour in another language. A wholly good experience.

I've decided I'm no longer going to put myself down when I talk about how much Japanese I know. I've studied three years worth of Japanese in the past two years. I think the reply, "Yes, I study Japanese, but I only know a very little" doesn't fit me anymore. Instead, I'll give a more positive answer while still being honest. I think I deserve to graduate to the next level.

I seem to be waiting for a lot of things lately. The semester to end. My Lawson point card. A certificate that will let me get a work permit. Warm weather. My gas bill. My parents finishing this year's FAFSA forms. Deciding where I'll go during the spring vacation. My boyfriend to finish his master's thesis so we can actually go on dates again.

That last one's kind of sad because my boyfriend's master thesis is due this week... the morning after our two-year anniversary. And even after he turns it in, he has other plans that will keep him too busy for me for four days.

I guess it's not a big deal.

Progress and Celebration

皆さん、明けましておめでとうございます。

I'm just now noticing how much my Japanese has improved since I've been here. It hasn't felt like a lot because every day I'm exposed to Japanese full-force, nonstop, and I'm always struggling to understand. But the past couple of days I've been going back to listening exercises I did right before I came here, and while I used to think they were too fast and difficult to understand, now they sound overly slow and easy to make out. What an awesome feeling knowing I have made progress in the three or four months I've been here and that I'll keep making progress. I look forward to speaking with my Japanese professor from my home university when I return, even though that won't be for another six months. Holy shit, six more months.... It's both a long time and a short time.

Anyway, this is all I have time to write. The end of the semester sneaked up on me, and I find my to-do list growing longer every day.

Oh, but I will tell you this: I'm participating in a 成人式 (coming of age ceremony) on 成人の日 (Coming of Age Day), which is next Monday! I'm so excited. I have a beautiful furisode to wear, and I'll be going with my boyfriend and some of my friends. How many foreigners can say they participated in 成人の日?? :O