Edit: This was at the pinnacle of my anxiety after it had been building up for a week. Since the time I wrote this entry, I slowly got better, and I'm fine now. :P
Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.
I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.
I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.
Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.
I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.
This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.
Writing out my worries has made me feel better.
