I'm fed up with my Japanese class. Why am I always the stupid one? No matter how hard I work, I can't do well. I've picked myself up so many times, saying, "Don't give up! Keep working hard! Fight, fight!" but when is it going to pay off? When am I going to improve? I'm tired of failing.
We have to give speeches in my class a lot, and none of mine have gone as well as they should. I hate standing up there, stumbling to answer questions about my speech topic, and then seeing the professor writing comments on the grading sheet. I imagine all the bad points she must write. The professors never show us our grades or any feedback of our speeches, so I don't know what to expect. I torture myself over how bad my grade must be now.
I gave a presentation today explaining a graph. After my speech, the professor asked me questions about my graph and seemed genuinely confused... even though I had just explained it in Japanese in my speech. Two professors looked at the speech over the course of two days before I gave it, and she was even one of the two! She helped me explain the graph!
I won't stop working hard, but my mood is getting worse every time I fail. My spirit breaks a little more. I look forward to the end of the semester. I'll have a two-month break where I'm going to review the hell out of all of our class material so far.
Later that day, I happened to go to a bookstore. I've been looking for the Japanese translation of a Harry Potter book, but the past three bookstores I checked didn't have it. I looked in this bookestore and found nothing. Then I decided I'd finally ask a store clerk for help. I did, and she took me to a hardcover set of all seven books and showed me the book I asked for. She said something like, "But this is a set -- you want an individual book, right?" and I said yes. So, I followed her to another aisle, she opened up a drawer underneath (no wonder I couldn't find it! half of Japanese bookstores' inventory must be in the drawers!) and started looking for it. I saw it immediately and said, without thinking, 「あっ、それですね。」 ("Oh! That's it, isn't it?") And that was that. She showed me the book, asked if it was okay, I said yes, and then I bought it at the counter.
My point in telling you this completely riveting tale is that I was so thrilled after the experience. I used Japanese swiftly, clearly, and correctly, and it was almost completely natural. I didn't have to think very much about what I wanted to say -- it just came out. So, for a while today, I didn't care how I was doing in my class or if I was behind in knowing what my peers do. I accomplished something, and it was one of the first times I've had that experience. Plus, I now have a totally awesome copy of my favorite Harry Potter book to slowly devour in another language. A wholly good experience.
I've decided I'm no longer going to put myself down when I talk about how much Japanese I know. I've studied three years worth of Japanese in the past two years. I think the reply, "Yes, I study Japanese, but I only know a very little" doesn't fit me anymore. Instead, I'll give a more positive answer while still being honest. I think I deserve to graduate to the next level.
I seem to be waiting for a lot of things lately. The semester to end. My Lawson point card. A certificate that will let me get a work permit. Warm weather. My gas bill. My parents finishing this year's FAFSA forms. Deciding where I'll go during the spring vacation. My boyfriend to finish his master's thesis so we can actually go on dates again.
That last one's kind of sad because my boyfriend's master thesis is due this week... the morning after our two-year anniversary. And even after he turns it in, he has other plans that will keep him too busy for me for four days.
I guess it's not a big deal.
