Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Back with Determination
I've been so unhappy and frustrated lately that I was an email draft away from initiating plans to leave Japan and go back home five months early. Today I watched a YouTube vlog I made nearly a year ago after I had just found out I'd been accepted by a Japanese university to spend a year in Japan. I was so happy and excited, and I don't want to let that girl be disappointed.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Writing Therapy
Edit: This was at the pinnacle of my anxiety after it had been building up for a week. Since the time I wrote this entry, I slowly got better, and I'm fine now. :P
Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.
I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.
I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.
Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.
I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.
This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.
Writing out my worries has made me feel better.
Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.
I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.
I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.
Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.
I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.
This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.
Writing out my worries has made me feel better.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Spring Break Plans: Japanese Review
So, my first semester in Japan has ended, and I now face a two-month vacation. Fearing that I will spend the next two months how I usually spend my weekends (alone in my apartment doing nothing), I have set a few goals for the vacation time. One of the biggest goals is to finish the following books.
1. Genki II and A Course in Modern Japanese: Volume Two
I've read both of these already (one was my textbook part of this semester), but I want to make sure I learn everything I can from them. There are still a lot of grammar points and kanji I learned once but don't remember now.
Both textbooks teach basically the same things, but since each book explains things differently, it has been helpful to use both of them. This is something I recommend to other learners: learn from more than one creditable source. The more ways you have things explained to you, the better you'll comprehend them and be able to use them.
2. パターン別日本語能力試験３級徹底ドリル３級
This is an all-around prep book for JLPT 3, but I mainly got it because it has a listening section, and I desperately need to improve my listening (and speaking, but that I can't do with a book...).
3. にほんごチャレンジ３級[ことばと漢字]
This is also a book to help study for the JLPT level 3, but the one before looked more like a testing tool, and this one looked more like a teaching tool. I got this one to increase my vocabulary and kanji.
4. 外国人のためのケータイメール＠にっぽん
I found out about this book from the JapanNewbie interview with @sandkatt. It's really, really helpful with colloquial Japanese, and it's written in easy foreigner Japanese, so even I can read it. I think it's a gem. I'm halfway done with it and want to finish it over the break.
5. Catchy Japanese Phrases
A small book of everyday phrases I should probably already know. I just realized it's published by the same company that published Genki. That has no significance, but I wanted more text to take up space with. :)
And the reading begins... now! :)
1. Genki II and A Course in Modern Japanese: Volume TwoI've read both of these already (one was my textbook part of this semester), but I want to make sure I learn everything I can from them. There are still a lot of grammar points and kanji I learned once but don't remember now.
Both textbooks teach basically the same things, but since each book explains things differently, it has been helpful to use both of them. This is something I recommend to other learners: learn from more than one creditable source. The more ways you have things explained to you, the better you'll comprehend them and be able to use them.
2. パターン別日本語能力試験３級徹底ドリル３級This is an all-around prep book for JLPT 3, but I mainly got it because it has a listening section, and I desperately need to improve my listening (and speaking, but that I can't do with a book...).
3. にほんごチャレンジ３級[ことばと漢字]
This is also a book to help study for the JLPT level 3, but the one before looked more like a testing tool, and this one looked more like a teaching tool. I got this one to increase my vocabulary and kanji.
4. 外国人のためのケータイメール＠にっぽんI found out about this book from the JapanNewbie interview with @sandkatt. It's really, really helpful with colloquial Japanese, and it's written in easy foreigner Japanese, so even I can read it. I think it's a gem. I'm halfway done with it and want to finish it over the break.
5. Catchy Japanese Phrases
A small book of everyday phrases I should probably already know. I just realized it's published by the same company that published Genki. That has no significance, but I wanted more text to take up space with. :)
And the reading begins... now! :)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Japanese is Just a Language
This week when I was with my tutor, there was a few moments where I stopped and thought, "Did he just speak in Japanese or English?" I couldn't tell because I just understood him. I didn't have to think about it.
I had two more experience of being able to talk to a store clerk swiftly and easily. Those experiences always make my day.
Learning Japanese has been such a different experience than when I was studying Spanish and German that I think I forgot Japanese is just a foreign language. It's just another foreign language. I've studied foreign languages before. I shouldn't make Japanese a bigger deal than it is. Most of the time I'm too scared to speak in Japanese because I know my pronunciation will be bad, but I have to remember the times I spoke Spanish and German without worrying so much about pronunciation. Pronunciation is important, but I shouldn't worry about it enough to keep myself from ever speaking.
I think Japanese language students have it tougher than other language students. It's like there's an elite club of ペラペラ learners that are always judging the beginners. There's pressure to not be ridiculed. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's true in some sense because Japan community on YouTube, as far as I know, is the only one of its kind. There may be a community of German or Spanish speakers and learners, but it wouldn't be anywhere as big and influential as the Japan community. I don't think I can explain it any better for the time being. I should think about it more.
I had two more experience of being able to talk to a store clerk swiftly and easily. Those experiences always make my day.
Learning Japanese has been such a different experience than when I was studying Spanish and German that I think I forgot Japanese is just a foreign language. It's just another foreign language. I've studied foreign languages before. I shouldn't make Japanese a bigger deal than it is. Most of the time I'm too scared to speak in Japanese because I know my pronunciation will be bad, but I have to remember the times I spoke Spanish and German without worrying so much about pronunciation. Pronunciation is important, but I shouldn't worry about it enough to keep myself from ever speaking.
I think Japanese language students have it tougher than other language students. It's like there's an elite club of ペラペラ learners that are always judging the beginners. There's pressure to not be ridiculed. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's true in some sense because Japan community on YouTube, as far as I know, is the only one of its kind. There may be a community of German or Spanish speakers and learners, but it wouldn't be anywhere as big and influential as the Japan community. I don't think I can explain it any better for the time being. I should think about it more.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Both Extremes in One Day
I wrote the following during class today:
Later that day, I happened to go to a bookstore. I've been looking for the Japanese translation of a Harry Potter book, but the past three bookstores I checked didn't have it. I looked in this bookestore and found nothing. Then I decided I'd finally ask a store clerk for help. I did, and she took me to a hardcover set of all seven books and showed me the book I asked for. She said something like, "But this is a set -- you want an individual book, right?" and I said yes. So, I followed her to another aisle, she opened up a drawer underneath (no wonder I couldn't find it! half of Japanese bookstores' inventory must be in the drawers!) and started looking for it. I saw it immediately and said, without thinking, 「あっ、それですね。」 ("Oh! That's it, isn't it?") And that was that. She showed me the book, asked if it was okay, I said yes, and then I bought it at the counter.
My point in telling you this completely riveting tale is that I was so thrilled after the experience. I used Japanese swiftly, clearly, and correctly, and it was almost completely natural. I didn't have to think very much about what I wanted to say -- it just came out. So, for a while today, I didn't care how I was doing in my class or if I was behind in knowing what my peers do. I accomplished something, and it was one of the first times I've had that experience. Plus, I now have a totally awesome copy of my favorite Harry Potter book to slowly devour in another language. A wholly good experience.
I've decided I'm no longer going to put myself down when I talk about how much Japanese I know. I've studied three years worth of Japanese in the past two years. I think the reply, "Yes, I study Japanese, but I only know a very little" doesn't fit me anymore. Instead, I'll give a more positive answer while still being honest. I think I deserve to graduate to the next level.
I seem to be waiting for a lot of things lately. The semester to end. My Lawson point card. A certificate that will let me get a work permit. Warm weather. My gas bill. My parents finishing this year's FAFSA forms. Deciding where I'll go during the spring vacation. My boyfriend to finish his master's thesis so we can actually go on dates again.
That last one's kind of sad because my boyfriend's master thesis is due this week... the morning after our two-year anniversary. And even after he turns it in, he has other plans that will keep him too busy for me for four days.
I guess it's not a big deal.
I'm fed up with my Japanese class. Why am I always the stupid one? No matter how hard I work, I can't do well. I've picked myself up so many times, saying, "Don't give up! Keep working hard! Fight, fight!" but when is it going to pay off? When am I going to improve? I'm tired of failing.
We have to give speeches in my class a lot, and none of mine have gone as well as they should. I hate standing up there, stumbling to answer questions about my speech topic, and then seeing the professor writing comments on the grading sheet. I imagine all the bad points she must write. The professors never show us our grades or any feedback of our speeches, so I don't know what to expect. I torture myself over how bad my grade must be now.
I gave a presentation today explaining a graph. After my speech, the professor asked me questions about my graph and seemed genuinely confused... even though I had just explained it in Japanese in my speech. Two professors looked at the speech over the course of two days before I gave it, and she was even one of the two! She helped me explain the graph!
I won't stop working hard, but my mood is getting worse every time I fail. My spirit breaks a little more. I look forward to the end of the semester. I'll have a two-month break where I'm going to review the hell out of all of our class material so far.
Later that day, I happened to go to a bookstore. I've been looking for the Japanese translation of a Harry Potter book, but the past three bookstores I checked didn't have it. I looked in this bookestore and found nothing. Then I decided I'd finally ask a store clerk for help. I did, and she took me to a hardcover set of all seven books and showed me the book I asked for. She said something like, "But this is a set -- you want an individual book, right?" and I said yes. So, I followed her to another aisle, she opened up a drawer underneath (no wonder I couldn't find it! half of Japanese bookstores' inventory must be in the drawers!) and started looking for it. I saw it immediately and said, without thinking, 「あっ、それですね。」 ("Oh! That's it, isn't it?") And that was that. She showed me the book, asked if it was okay, I said yes, and then I bought it at the counter.
My point in telling you this completely riveting tale is that I was so thrilled after the experience. I used Japanese swiftly, clearly, and correctly, and it was almost completely natural. I didn't have to think very much about what I wanted to say -- it just came out. So, for a while today, I didn't care how I was doing in my class or if I was behind in knowing what my peers do. I accomplished something, and it was one of the first times I've had that experience. Plus, I now have a totally awesome copy of my favorite Harry Potter book to slowly devour in another language. A wholly good experience.
I've decided I'm no longer going to put myself down when I talk about how much Japanese I know. I've studied three years worth of Japanese in the past two years. I think the reply, "Yes, I study Japanese, but I only know a very little" doesn't fit me anymore. Instead, I'll give a more positive answer while still being honest. I think I deserve to graduate to the next level.
I seem to be waiting for a lot of things lately. The semester to end. My Lawson point card. A certificate that will let me get a work permit. Warm weather. My gas bill. My parents finishing this year's FAFSA forms. Deciding where I'll go during the spring vacation. My boyfriend to finish his master's thesis so we can actually go on dates again.
That last one's kind of sad because my boyfriend's master thesis is due this week... the morning after our two-year anniversary. And even after he turns it in, he has other plans that will keep him too busy for me for four days.
I guess it's not a big deal.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Progress and Celebration
皆さん、明けましておめでとうございます。
I'm just now noticing how much my Japanese has improved since I've been here. It hasn't felt like a lot because every day I'm exposed to Japanese full-force, nonstop, and I'm always struggling to understand. But the past couple of days I've been going back to listening exercises I did right before I came here, and while I used to think they were too fast and difficult to understand, now they sound overly slow and easy to make out. What an awesome feeling knowing I have made progress in the three or four months I've been here and that I'll keep making progress. I look forward to speaking with my Japanese professor from my home university when I return, even though that won't be for another six months. Holy shit, six more months.... It's both a long time and a short time.
Anyway, this is all I have time to write. The end of the semester sneaked up on me, and I find my to-do list growing longer every day.
Oh, but I will tell you this: I'm participating in a 成人式 (coming of age ceremony) on 成人の日 (Coming of Age Day), which is next Monday! I'm so excited. I have a beautiful furisode to wear, and I'll be going with my boyfriend and some of my friends. How many foreigners can say they participated in 成人の日?? :O
I'm just now noticing how much my Japanese has improved since I've been here. It hasn't felt like a lot because every day I'm exposed to Japanese full-force, nonstop, and I'm always struggling to understand. But the past couple of days I've been going back to listening exercises I did right before I came here, and while I used to think they were too fast and difficult to understand, now they sound overly slow and easy to make out. What an awesome feeling knowing I have made progress in the three or four months I've been here and that I'll keep making progress. I look forward to speaking with my Japanese professor from my home university when I return, even though that won't be for another six months. Holy shit, six more months.... It's both a long time and a short time.
Anyway, this is all I have time to write. The end of the semester sneaked up on me, and I find my to-do list growing longer every day.
Oh, but I will tell you this: I'm participating in a 成人式 (coming of age ceremony) on 成人の日 (Coming of Age Day), which is next Monday! I'm so excited. I have a beautiful furisode to wear, and I'll be going with my boyfriend and some of my friends. How many foreigners can say they participated in 成人の日?? :O
Saturday, December 26, 2009
My Christmas in Japan
So, Christmas in Japan has come and gone.
I spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend. He's always late whenever we have plans, so I bugged him for days and days not to be late for Christmas Eve. Ten minutes after he was supposed to leave to come to my apartment, he sent me the usual text message saying, "I'm leaving now!" Then a few seconds later, he knocked on my door. He came early! It was one of the best surprises he's done for me.
We made hotel reservations for a trip to Gifu next week, then we picked up our friend chicken and Christmas cake and ate them while we watched Elf. All in all, it was a really great night.
However, even though I'm here with my boyfriend for the holidays, and even though I hate my family most of the time, I think I would have preferred being at home for Christmas this year. This is because Japan doesn't really care about Christmas, at least not in the same way that the US does, and because spending Christmas with my boyfriend actually meant I spent Christmas Day alone. The boss in his laboratory scheduled cleaning on Christmas.... I did nothing all day, except for a short trip out of the apartment when I mailed a 年賀状 (New Year's card) and bought a few groceries.
I normally ride my bicycle whenever I want to go somewhere, but today I decided to walk to the post office because I didn't think the short trip was worth the effort of untangling my bicycle from the others in the parking area. After walking a block, I was reminded of why I ride my bike everywhere. Same reason I don't like riding the subway: getting stared at. Japanese people don't usually stare at me when I ride my bike, and even if they do, they only have a few seconds to look at me before I'm already gone. Aside from the stares, I really enjoyed the walk because I noticed so many new things about everything around, even though I take the same street to and from school every day. It made me wish I walked more places, but I'm already a self-conscious person without being stared as much as I am.
There are a lot of girls in my classes who have boyfriends that they're separated from while they're studying in Japan. When they hear that I have a boyfriend here, they tell me how lucky I am. I think they sometimes say it out of spite and jealousy, and it makes me mad because they shouldn't make me feel guilty. I deserve to have this time with my boyfriend. Out of the two years he and I have been dating, we've only been together for nine months. I'm sorry other girls have to go through similar separation, but this is my and my boyfriend's time to enjoy.
Like I mentioned above, we have plans to go to Gifu in a couple of days. We'll just be there two days, but I'm still really excited. I need to buy some warmer clothes before we go, though.
I spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend. He's always late whenever we have plans, so I bugged him for days and days not to be late for Christmas Eve. Ten minutes after he was supposed to leave to come to my apartment, he sent me the usual text message saying, "I'm leaving now!" Then a few seconds later, he knocked on my door. He came early! It was one of the best surprises he's done for me.
We made hotel reservations for a trip to Gifu next week, then we picked up our friend chicken and Christmas cake and ate them while we watched Elf. All in all, it was a really great night.
However, even though I'm here with my boyfriend for the holidays, and even though I hate my family most of the time, I think I would have preferred being at home for Christmas this year. This is because Japan doesn't really care about Christmas, at least not in the same way that the US does, and because spending Christmas with my boyfriend actually meant I spent Christmas Day alone. The boss in his laboratory scheduled cleaning on Christmas.... I did nothing all day, except for a short trip out of the apartment when I mailed a 年賀状 (New Year's card) and bought a few groceries.
I normally ride my bicycle whenever I want to go somewhere, but today I decided to walk to the post office because I didn't think the short trip was worth the effort of untangling my bicycle from the others in the parking area. After walking a block, I was reminded of why I ride my bike everywhere. Same reason I don't like riding the subway: getting stared at. Japanese people don't usually stare at me when I ride my bike, and even if they do, they only have a few seconds to look at me before I'm already gone. Aside from the stares, I really enjoyed the walk because I noticed so many new things about everything around, even though I take the same street to and from school every day. It made me wish I walked more places, but I'm already a self-conscious person without being stared as much as I am.
There are a lot of girls in my classes who have boyfriends that they're separated from while they're studying in Japan. When they hear that I have a boyfriend here, they tell me how lucky I am. I think they sometimes say it out of spite and jealousy, and it makes me mad because they shouldn't make me feel guilty. I deserve to have this time with my boyfriend. Out of the two years he and I have been dating, we've only been together for nine months. I'm sorry other girls have to go through similar separation, but this is my and my boyfriend's time to enjoy.
Like I mentioned above, we have plans to go to Gifu in a couple of days. We'll just be there two days, but I'm still really excited. I need to buy some warmer clothes before we go, though.
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