皆さん、久しぶりですね。

ちょっと忙しいし、怠けたし、このブログを無視しちゃいました。

So what have I been up to? Last I wrote, I was on a two-month school break. In my second to last post, I listed a selection of books I wanted to study from during the break. To my surprise, I finished almost all of them. I was planning to write a small review of each of the books, but since I don't think anyone would care, I'll leave it at this: they're all good books (especially 外国人のためのケータイメール＠にっぽん) except for one: にほんごチャレンジ３級[ことばと漢字]. The book isn't as good as it could be. It has a few mistakes that should've been caught before it was published, and the definitions of words could've been better, perhaps more detailed, since the entire book focuses on vocabulary.

Other than that... what did I do? I can't remember much. It feels like so long ago. I went to Hokkaido, which I might've already written about. I went to the YouTube Hanami party in Tokyo, which was very tiring to get to and from but very, very fun. My boyfriend and I did a few things around the city before he moved away for his new job. Now I don't see him very often, and when I do, it's hard on the wallet.

I spent most of Golden Week, which was a few weeks ago, with my boyfriend at his parents house. That was fun. It was nice to be able to spend so much time with my boyfriend and not have to worry about cooking food or doing dishes or cleaning. Plus, it's nice to spend time with Shinichi's parents now that I'm able to use and understand Japanese better. I've improved my Japanese and they've started to speak more clearly (meaning they tone down their dialect), and with those two things, we can communicate. :)

I'm about two months into my last semester in Japan. I'm starting to put on the breaks and getting ready mentally to go back home. Some days I'm excited to go back home, other days I don't want it to happen. As hard as this year has been, next year will be hard too. Reverse culture shock, being away from my boyfriend again for at least nine months, an overly-busy class schedule, figuring out what I'll do after I graduate. Graduate school applications are due in November and December -- AHHH!! I'm stressing myself out -- I should stop.

Anyway, I'm about two months into the semester, and my Japanese language class is about two weeks from being halfway over. We'll be starting a new textbook then. Two textbooks in one semester -- it's hard for me to believe. We go so quickly that I know I'm not remembering everything I should. When I first got to Japan and started Japanese classes, we went through all of Genki II in half a semester. My home university took a year to go through it. But there are still some things in Genki II I don't remember, mainly vocabulary. I'm using smart.fm to help get my vocabulary (and kanji) to where they should be.

But this is all very boring. I'm not sure why I'm writing a blog entry now and about these things.

I've realized my study abroad experience has become exactly the same as my senior year of high school. I transferred to a new school that year, going from a tiny private school to a HUGE public school. I knew nothing about how the school ran. Apparently I had my own email address through the school. No one ever told me. I read the handbook cover to cover a few times, and I knew everything it said, but there was still so many things about the school that everyone else knew.

Also, I knew no one. I had always lived in the city where the public school was, but I had gone to another school thirty minutes away from where I lived. Anyone I knew lived over there. My new school was full of rich and stupid Valley Girl snobs, the kind of people I hate.

On the first day of school, I did make a friend: a loner named Chris who liked anime and other nerdy things. For a while I hung out with him and his friends, but even though they were nice and I liked them, I didn't fit with them, and I started spending less time with them.

After that, I spent all of my time alone. I didn't talk to my classmates, and they didn't talk to me. After school, I would look back over the day and count how many times I talked. Usually it was only a couple a words, at the most a few sentences. I usually only talked to answer the teacher.

I got into the habit of spending my lunch break one of two ways. Sometimes I would sit in my car and listen to the radio while I ate my lunch. Even though it didn't take me long to eat, I would stay there in the car until it was time for class. I usually put the blinds up, both because it's always hot and sunny in California, but also because it made me feel closed-off and safe. I know, I must be a mental case. Anyway, when I didn't do that, I would spend my lunch break in the library doing homework, and then I would eat my lunch (which was usually only a sandwich) later on the drive home.

Anyway, I told you all of that because it's all happening again. I know next to nothing about how the school runs, basically because of the language barrier. I do talk with my classmates a lot more than I did with my high school classmates, but it's still not much. If I have to stay on campus for lunch, I eat a bento quickly where there aren't a lot of people around, and then I hide out in the computer lab until it's time for class. As soon as classes are over, I go home. I don't go to parties or other outings, mainly because I'm not invited but also because I usually don't want to go. I'm alone except for when I spend time with my boyfriend.

It's pretty sad, and it depresses me to know that, even though I'm older now, I'm still reacting to a situation the same way I did three years ago. But I'm okay with all of this. If I really wanted to change the situation, I probably could. The truth is, I don't mind being by myself. It's so much work to hang out with other people, and it usually doesn't feel worth it to me, especially if I don't fit well with the other people.

Well, that's a look into my mind and my experience, I guess. I'm not sure how to wrap up this post, so let's just end it.

Writing Therapy

Edit: This was at the pinnacle of my anxiety after it had been building up for a week. Since the time I wrote this entry, I slowly got better, and I'm fine now. :P

Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.

I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.

I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.

Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.

I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.

This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.

Writing out my worries has made me feel better.