Back with Determination

I've been so unhappy and frustrated lately that I was an email draft away from initiating plans to leave Japan and go back home five months early. Today I watched a YouTube vlog I made nearly a year ago after I had just found out I'd been accepted by a Japanese university to spend a year in Japan. I was so happy and excited, and I don't want to let that girl be disappointed.

Writing Therapy

Edit: This was at the pinnacle of my anxiety after it had been building up for a week. Since the time I wrote this entry, I slowly got better, and I'm fine now. :P

Long time no see. I feel sick and uneasy right now, so I'm writing a blog entry.

I'm taking an overnight bus to Tokyo tomorrow. I get really anxious in traveling situations even when I'm navigating in English. So, I'm even more anxious than normal right now because I'll be navigating in Japanese. It's my first time going a long distance by myself in Japan. One of the pros and cons to having a Japanese boyfriend, but more on that later.

I'm also nervous for what will be waiting for me in Tokyo. I'm going to the YouTube Hanami gathering. Have I mentioned on this blog how awkward I am? Because I'm really awkward. And shy. I suck at small talk. I suck at any talk. I met a bunch of nice YouTubers in December for the Christmas collaboration video, and I was really shy even though I tried not to be. I think people thought I was either a weirdo, uninterested, or conceited. Of course, I can't know that for sure. It could just be paranoia. I want to meet other YouTubers, but in addition to being fun, it's also a kind of mild torture for me.

Onto another subject. My boyfriend graduated today, and he'll be moving away at the end of the month. I'll skip the mushy "I'll miss him so much" stuff, but now that he'll be gone, I'm realizing how much I depending on him for everything in Japan. Some of my peers tell me, "Aw, you're so lucky you have a boyfriend here," but it's more of a disadvantage. Living here has been hard for me, but it's been a little more comfortable than it's been for my peers. They had to deal with everything on their own. (Well, that's not entirely true. Everyone gets help from their tutors, but a tutor isn't the same as a boyfriend or girlfriend.) I've been pampered a bit, especially because my boyfriend's English is way better than my Japanese, and now that my boyfriend is moving away, I have to learn to figure things out on my own and how to speak Japanese, both of which my peers figured out four or five months ago.

I'm embarrassed to still be like a confused baby that needs to be taken care of when I imagine my classmates are at least stronger toddlers. But hakuna matata, I'll survive. All I can do now is make sure I work hard and do my best and maybe not be afraid to ask others for help. I've already been relying on myself a lot more. I've been using Japanese a ton in comparison to what I had been, and even though it's sometimes painfully embarrassing when I make mistakes, I feel so good when I accomplish something in Japanese.

This post is a bit messy, but I should probably go do other things. Like eat. I've only eaten natto, broccoli, and coffee today. Not healthy.

Writing out my worries has made me feel better.

Japanese is Just a Language

This week when I was with my tutor, there was a few moments where I stopped and thought, "Did he just speak in Japanese or English?" I couldn't tell because I just understood him. I didn't have to think about it.

I had two more experience of being able to talk to a store clerk swiftly and easily. Those experiences always make my day.

Learning Japanese has been such a different experience than when I was studying Spanish and German that I think I forgot Japanese is just a foreign language. It's just another foreign language. I've studied foreign languages before. I shouldn't make Japanese a bigger deal than it is. Most of the time I'm too scared to speak in Japanese because I know my pronunciation will be bad, but I have to remember the times I spoke Spanish and German without worrying so much about pronunciation. Pronunciation is important, but I shouldn't worry about it enough to keep myself from ever speaking.

I think Japanese language students have it tougher than other language students. It's like there's an elite club of ペラペラ learners that are always judging the beginners. There's pressure to not be ridiculed. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's true in some sense because Japan community on YouTube, as far as I know, is the only one of its kind. There may be a community of German or Spanish speakers and learners, but it wouldn't be anywhere as big and influential as the Japan community. I don't think I can explain it any better for the time being. I should think about it more.

Discovered on YouTube, The Wrong Kind

My boyfriend gave me a small poinsettia plant a couple of weeks ago. My family always had fake poinsettias because we had cats and poinsettias are poisonous to cats. So, I don't know how to take care of the flowers, and now they're dying. :\

I really miss my kitchen at my parents' house. Not only is it big, it's fully stocked with any kind of appliance or cooking utensil you might need, and no matter what I felt like cooking, they'd already have most of the ingredients.

I'm having problems again with my boyfriend and friends. Sometimes this exchange student experience is more sad and lonely than high school was, and high school was a nightmare, the most horrible phase of my life.

Four (that I know about) international students in my program have found my YouTube channel. I've had to defend myself ever since they found it. And now I feel like I wouldn't be able to make a video the same way again. I think I will act differently, and I don't want that to happen. If some random person on the internet sees your videos and judges you, it's not a big deal -- it's just one person out of 6½ billion. It's different with someone you know outside of YouTube. I still haven't come up with a good way of explaining my feelings, so the other international students still don't understand, but anyone else who has had their channels discovered by people they know in real life will know what I'm feeling. Can anyone explain it better?

Maybe YouTube is a way I can express more of my honne (true self), whereas, in front of people, I most likely have some form of tatemae (mask) present to follow giri (social obligations) and keep peace somewhat. I don't know.

This is what I'm wondering: where are all the cool, supportive YT people in real life? The fiveawesomegirls channel, for example, has a group of awesome, supportive, loving followers. Where are these people in real life? How come I've yet to meet anyone in real life who like vlogging or watches vloggers or is at least accepting about vlogging? It's not that much of a strange, new, foreign thing. It's been around for years. Why is it still considered so weird IRL?

Regret Was Bound to Happen

My classmates have ruined it for me. I don't want to make YouTube videos or write in a public blog anymore. I'm close to deleting my YT account, but I know I'd regret it later. Fuck you guys.