Time to Say Goodbye

So, the time has finally come. I'm leaving Japan on Sunday, which is less than four days away as I write this.

I don't really want to leave, but since I have to, I wish I could leave right now. I've just been waiting alone for the departure day to come. I couldn't pack earlier because I still need to use a lot of the stuff I'd pack. And I don't even have the internet to distract me. (I'm posting this later on the school computers.) Over the past three days, I've rewatched an entire season of The Office that I have on my iTunes.

I don't want to leave my boyfriend again.

We spent my freshman year of college together at my university, and then he had to go back to Japan. My sophomore year was horrible. I missed him, and I was frustrated because I didn't know toward what educational or career goals to work, and I inadvertantly started to push away my friends because I was so angry and depressed all the time. I don't want to go back to that year again. I'm scared that when I go back to school next month, sophomore year will happen all over again. I've grown up so incredibly much over this past year in Japan, and now I know what I want to do after I graduate, so I'm hoping I'll be able to make my last year of college great or at least better than sophomore year. But I know it's easy for me to fall into old habits, especially since I'll be at home somewhat.

This year was hard, and, overall, I didn't enjoy it. But I'm glad I did this one-year program, and I don't regret it at all. Like I said, I think I've grown so much as a person. When I look back at myself after I first arrived in Japan, I can't believe how different I am now, in a good way. I think (I hope) I know how to deal with problems better. I can do much more by myself and don't rely on other people to help me as much.

What am I going to miss most about Japan? Subways, trains, and convenience stores. I love the subway and train system here. If I want to go somewhere, I just take a train and I'm there. It's so convenient! My school in the US is in a very small town far away from the city, and I don't have a car at school, so it's impossible to go anywhere or do anything without relying on the buses, which are infrequent and only go a few places. I would be so set if we had a train and subway system!
As for convenience stores, they're stocked with so many good drinks and snacks and cheap meals. I love the food and drinks in Japanese convenience stores! And they're EVERYwhere.

I need to get back to work (packing, cleaning, and the like).

経験の報告書／Study Report

国へ帰る前に一年間の日本にいる経験について短い報告書を書かなくちゃいけませんでした。日本語でも英語でも書いていて、よかったら、見てください。

Before I leave Japan, I've had to write a short report about my experience in Japan the past year. I've written it in both Japanese and English. Take a look if you'd like.

日本にいる一年間、私は大体嬉しくなくて緊張していました。日本人とも他の留学生とも、誰ともといい友達になっていませんでした。どこへ行っても、日本人が私をじろじろ見るので、自分が部外者のように感じられて、どこかおかしいという気分にさ せられました。授業の大半は面白くなくて、専門と関連がありませんでした。日本にいる間、何度も人生の一年間を無駄していると思いました。

しかし、一年間日本にいたことを後悔していません。私はもっといい人になれたし、以前とは別人です。一人でアパートに住んだことがあったので、どうやって自活するか、どうやって難しいときを扱うか学びました。また、私のアメリカにいる友達をもっと尊敬します。

自分の成長に加えて二つの目標を達成しました。まず、日本語の能力を高めたかったで、そうできたと思います。まだ日本語の全部をはっきり分かりませんから、日本語の能力が増えることに気づきませんでした。しかし、今、日本に来る前に勉強した内容を見ると、あの頃の日本語がとても簡単に見えて、自分の能力が上がったことに気づかされます。

二つの目標は直接日本を経験することでした。多くの人は本やテレビ、映画などで外国について習います。そして、私は日本について教科書の内容以上のことを習いたかったで、それを達成することができたと思います。しかし、外国を分かるために一年はすごく短い期間です。それで、まだ理解していないことがたくさんあると思います。また、アメリカ人の観点で日本を見ていると分かって、実は日本について自分の目で見て学んだことは真実ではな いかもしれません。もっともっと学びたいので、また日本で生活する機会があるといいと思います。

I was generally unhappy and stressed out during my one-year stay in Japan. I didn’t become good friends with anyone, whether they were Japanese or another international student. Japanese strangers stared at me wherever I went, which made me feel like an outsider and made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Most of my classes were uninteresting and weren’t related to my major. A lot of times, I felt like I was wasting a year of my life by staying in Japan.

However, I don’t regret studying in Japan for a year. I’m a much more different and better person than I was before I came here. Now I’ve had the experience of living by myself and relying on myself. I have learned how to deal with unhappy times, and now I appreciate my friends back in the US even more.

In addition to personal growth, I was able to accomplish the two main goals I had when I came to Japan. First, I wanted to strengthen my Japanese language ability, which I have done. I couldn’t feel like my Japanese ability was getting better because there is still so much I don’t understand. However, when I look at the things I was studying before I came to Japan, they seem so easy, and I can realize how much my language skill has grown.

The second goal I had was to experience Japan firsthand. Many people learn about foreign countries only through books, TV, or movies. I wanted to learn more about Japan than the things written in the textbooks I had read, and I feel like I have been able to do that. However, one year is a very short time to study a culture, and I know there are still so many things I haven’t learned about Japan. I also realize that I’m seeing Japan through the eyes of an American with my own biases and that what I think I’ve learned about Japan may actually be untrue. I hope I have the opportunity to live in Japan again so I can keep learning about this country.

I know I'll miss Japan, and I already can't wait to come back, but without a doubt, I need a break from Japan. I leave in exactly one month from tomorrow.

Today is mine and my boyfriend's 2½-year anniversary. :)

Back with Determination

I've been so unhappy and frustrated lately that I was an email draft away from initiating plans to leave Japan and go back home five months early. Today I watched a YouTube vlog I made nearly a year ago after I had just found out I'd been accepted by a Japanese university to spend a year in Japan. I was so happy and excited, and I don't want to let that girl be disappointed.

My Christmas in Japan

So, Christmas in Japan has come and gone.



I spent Christmas Eve with my boyfriend. He's always late whenever we have plans, so I bugged him for days and days not to be late for Christmas Eve. Ten minutes after he was supposed to leave to come to my apartment, he sent me the usual text message saying, "I'm leaving now!" Then a few seconds later, he knocked on my door. He came early! It was one of the best surprises he's done for me.

We made hotel reservations for a trip to Gifu next week, then we picked up our friend chicken and Christmas cake and ate them while we watched Elf. All in all, it was a really great night.

However, even though I'm here with my boyfriend for the holidays, and even though I hate my family most of the time, I think I would have preferred being at home for Christmas this year. This is because Japan doesn't really care about Christmas, at least not in the same way that the US does, and because spending Christmas with my boyfriend actually meant I spent Christmas Day alone. The boss in his laboratory scheduled cleaning on Christmas.... I did nothing all day, except for a short trip out of the apartment when I mailed a 年賀状 (New Year's card) and bought a few groceries.

I normally ride my bicycle whenever I want to go somewhere, but today I decided to walk to the post office because I didn't think the short trip was worth the effort of untangling my bicycle from the others in the parking area. After walking a block, I was reminded of why I ride my bike everywhere. Same reason I don't like riding the subway: getting stared at. Japanese people don't usually stare at me when I ride my bike, and even if they do, they only have a few seconds to look at me before I'm already gone. Aside from the stares, I really enjoyed the walk because I noticed so many new things about everything around, even though I take the same street to and from school every day. It made me wish I walked more places, but I'm already a self-conscious person without being stared as much as I am.

There are a lot of girls in my classes who have boyfriends that they're separated from while they're studying in Japan. When they hear that I have a boyfriend here, they tell me how lucky I am. I think they sometimes say it out of spite and jealousy, and it makes me mad because they shouldn't make me feel guilty. I deserve to have this time with my boyfriend. Out of the two years he and I have been dating, we've only been together for nine months. I'm sorry other girls have to go through similar separation, but this is my and my boyfriend's time to enjoy.

Like I mentioned above, we have plans to go to Gifu in a couple of days. We'll just be there two days, but I'm still really excited. I need to buy some warmer clothes before we go, though.

Discovered on YouTube, The Wrong Kind

My boyfriend gave me a small poinsettia plant a couple of weeks ago. My family always had fake poinsettias because we had cats and poinsettias are poisonous to cats. So, I don't know how to take care of the flowers, and now they're dying. :\

I really miss my kitchen at my parents' house. Not only is it big, it's fully stocked with any kind of appliance or cooking utensil you might need, and no matter what I felt like cooking, they'd already have most of the ingredients.

I'm having problems again with my boyfriend and friends. Sometimes this exchange student experience is more sad and lonely than high school was, and high school was a nightmare, the most horrible phase of my life.

Four (that I know about) international students in my program have found my YouTube channel. I've had to defend myself ever since they found it. And now I feel like I wouldn't be able to make a video the same way again. I think I will act differently, and I don't want that to happen. If some random person on the internet sees your videos and judges you, it's not a big deal -- it's just one person out of 6½ billion. It's different with someone you know outside of YouTube. I still haven't come up with a good way of explaining my feelings, so the other international students still don't understand, but anyone else who has had their channels discovered by people they know in real life will know what I'm feeling. Can anyone explain it better?

Maybe YouTube is a way I can express more of my honne (true self), whereas, in front of people, I most likely have some form of tatemae (mask) present to follow giri (social obligations) and keep peace somewhat. I don't know.

This is what I'm wondering: where are all the cool, supportive YT people in real life? The fiveawesomegirls channel, for example, has a group of awesome, supportive, loving followers. Where are these people in real life? How come I've yet to meet anyone in real life who like vlogging or watches vloggers or is at least accepting about vlogging? It's not that much of a strange, new, foreign thing. It's been around for years. Why is it still considered so weird IRL?